Loss

Loss

Is there recovery from loss

Once thought to have had

Now gone

Not loss from nature

Taking its’ course

I have lived through death

Many times over

Starting life again anew

Loss from choice

Death from change

Will anyone and anything

Remain what it once was

Fear grips my heart

Taking control over rational thought

Holding my mind captive to its’ power

I hold tightly onto what is dear

Sometimes too tightly

So death cannot take it over

Happiness escapes me at times

Like this

When fear is taking the lead

I try to bridle it

Like a wild horse

Leash it in to walk myself ahead

Tame the wild

To subdue it

Making it submissive to what is sensible

Silencing the voices determined

To make me weep in secret

I move swiftly forward in my life

Do I ever truly mourn loss

To really let go

I see you and I wonder

Will change take us over

Will something sway your feelings

To cause death

The times I feel fear’s power

I work to silence it

The trouble with my heart

Is I love with fullness

A blessing and a curse

Am I the wild I’m trying to tame

Am I not worthy of what is love

And what is truly love

My fear is you will see me

And not love what you see

The piece of me seen at the onset

Not the same as who I am in totality

Is this really truth

I do not live in concealment

I know the reasons behind the fear

But I still cannot quiet it

I watch you intently waiting to see

Just a hint of distance

To extinguish the cause

To dry the water that threatens

The flame, the fire that is now

I feel I am a lot to bear

I fear I am a lot to bear

Me and all that I bring is heavy at times

I have felt the turning aside many times

I have heard the words said

The devastation of loss resulting

In the moment rationalizing it is for the better

But the mark left is a scar that never

truly fades

I have tried to not allow my heart to feel

But this member in my chest is strong

I love it and hate it all at the same time

It brings the amazing and the terrible

Togetherness

I feel sometimes powerless over

What seems the eventuality of love

Of giving my whole self

I have had words said to me that have

Broken my resolve

That have cut deep

I am a master of the quick stitch

Or else, all I am will spill out

Leaving a puddle of soul

Only those who truly see

Can tell handiwork has been done

I fight to keep my dreams

To keep my heart beating in steadfast

I think I am solid now

Fear cannot dictate my course

It is only a small voice

Mighty at times

A world of uncertainty looms around me

I must rid my life of the beatings

I’ve endured

Those who hide who they are

Promising one thing

Only to show another

My fear was borne from disappointment

Distrust and lies

Loss was an eventual result

I cannot fix that

What was bound to become

I must tell myself I am not what they say

I must tell myself I am worthy

I must live by the trueness I know exists

In my heart

I’ve always resisted the easy path

So why do I doubt goodness

I am child of God

But not perfect as He

I must look at the gifts he’s given

It’s a mirror image of my own

When I have this fear

It must be understood

It has not began with suddenness

It is the accumulation of deaths

Died a million times over

Certain change is inevitable

But why a complete cycling of anew

I want my home to be my home

Not structure but those inside

I must struggle to fight the demon

This dread of life unraveling

To balance clarity and fantasy

We are presented with fairytales

From the moment of our arrival

To this life

The sequel of the story

Is not as pretty as the first

The second movie is never as good

So how does one take the dream

And carry it through

The story that goes beyond

Happily ever after

Part I is not the end

Hope and faith exist after loss

This I must believe

These are the safety ropes

The harness designed for a climber

On this jagged cliff I climb

Where is the ground beneath me

When will my feet touch what is solid

Every placement of feet and grip

Is thought through

I think I am solid now

Fear can be no part of my mindset

I must throw it away

It clouds the waters of judgment

No matter its’ source

I make it retaliate

Learning from the missteps before

“I can do this,” I say

I am the only one controlling

My next step

The top is not far off

My feet will be solid soon

I cannot look back

I cannot look down

Distortion will swallow me whole

I have silenced the voices shouting

My disparity

Now I must silence my own

Loss will not have its’ way with me

I will have my win

I will conquer this mountain I climb

My feet landing on solid ground.